Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Another Casino Night


“So,” said “Spader” one day as he was by my cubicle, “Let’s go to Diamond Jo’s Casino this Friday.” I was a bit on the fence until he told me the buffet was even better than the riverboat casino’s. What can I say? I have a weakness for good food served in mass quantities.

So it was that we journeyed to the second of three casinos that are within a one hour radius of Cresco. One thing I noticed immediately was that Diamond Jo’s was a higher class of casino. In a way this was kind of sad—if I told you there were two casinos that weren’t in Las Vegas and one of them was a riverboat, you’d kind of hope that the riverboat would be the classier joint. Alas, the glory days of the Mississippi riverboats are long gone. Or maybe the traditions are more active further south.

The first thing that you notice about Diamond Jo’s is that they’ve tried to go the Vegas route, with lots and lots of neon, including a water tower that has “Casino” spelled down the side. It’s an odd mix of rustic and tacky, but it does get your attention. Only slightly less noticeable is the hotel that is right next to the casino, and the one right across the street. I tried to process the idea of people coming to the casino and wanting to stay more than a couple days, and thought about this long and hard before I realized that I simply can’t picture gambling as being an activity you would want to do for more than one day. Which would mean that there are people who not only have fun gambling, but they have so much fun they see the casino as an entertainment venue similar to Walt Disney World. Spader was pretty excited to be going in. I was wondering how I would do gambling. Given my wonderful luck at craps the last time, I had thought about setting up a small stake at a low-stacks blackjack table. In order to prepare for this, I downloaded a blackjack app onto my iPod touch and started playing with a virtual $1,000. In only an hour’s time, I was up to $2,500, which the app informed me had come from selling my virtual car to the casino after having exhausted the initial $1,000. I took this as a bad omen.

The décor of Diamond Jo’s is essentially high-class country. High ceilings with plenty of rafters and stained wood interiors dominated the casino, and the area surrounding the gambling section was tastefully sequestered by low walls with classy kiosks, where security guards waited patiently. Spader was excited to get in there and start gambling, but we decided to hit up the buffet first. This immediately put us in a line where, as Spader observed, I was the youngest person. Everyone else had to either be retired or getting close to it. Part of this was because it was Veteran’s Day, and the buffet was offering a free meal to every active and retired serviceman who could prove it. A man in front of me was a veteran of the Air Force, and he presented his card to the cashier, which looked like a yellow Social Security card. Holy Crap, I thought, anyone who had the inclination would be able to fashion one of those for himself and get free meals and discounts anywhere! Which is when I also thought of just how much America publicly treasures its armed forces members, and thought that a person who did that and got caught would become the most hated person in America, at least until the news picked up something better. Then there’s the fact that members of our armed forces might find him or her, in which case the person would either find themselves dead or involuntarily drafted.

One thing I did notice about the veterans was that all of them were pretty confident. That’s understandable—going through basic and then serving in the military is one of those things that has got to toughen you up mentally. (It may also run the risk of breaking you down mentally if you are in combat, but that is another issue altogether).

The buffet was incredible, and I could easily see it as being the main reason to visit here again. While we ate, I noticed that the casino also had an event center, and coming up were the band Bad Company and Steve-O from Jackass. This was honestly the most depressing thing I’d seen at the casino, if you don’t count a lot of the patrons.

Finally, we went to the casino to walk around. Spader decided to try his luck at craps and blackjack, while I decided to give the penny slot machines two, maybe three spins. I walked through the slot machines, all of which reminded me of pinball machines, but with less buzzers and whistles, as a cover band played country songs, country rock songs, and rock songs that up until that exact minute had never had a country twang near them. I wandered around the Mermaid’s Gold slots, the Pharaoh’s Gold slots, Elvira’s Spooky Treasure slots, and a few hundred others. This is when it hit me—casinos are amusement parks for adults who are embarrassed to be at amusement parks. You have the flashing lights, the constant sounds of someone having fun, and of course the ever-dangling chance to win, win, win in front of you if you just have the cash and the luck. At an upscale casino you have live music, and you have an all-you-can eat buffet, which is to an adult, let’s face it, a chance to be a little naughty and eat all those things you “really shouldn’t eat” anymore. How is this different from an amusement park, where you have constantly flashing lights and the sounds of amusement rides, the constant sounds of people having fun, the chance to win a stuffed bear, and a whole host of things that, as adults, you “really shouldn’t eat.” Maybe it’s just me, but I think I’d prefer an amusement park. It’s more honest about what it is, and I think if people just admitted that what would make them happy is a roller coaster ride, people might be a touch happier than trying to win money and constantly losing it in the pursuit. This may also be why there are so many senior citizens at these casinos—they get to be happy and enjoy the experience without thinking they’re going to embarrass themselves.

You know what? Screw that noise. When I hit sixty, I’m going to Walt Disney World if the prices are below $100. I’m going to be hollering on roller coasters, getting the pants scared off me at the haunted house and I’m going to eat ice cream. I’d rather do that than sit around spending hundreds of dollars and lying to myself that I’m going to win big. Shoot me an email if you’re interested.

P.S.—Spader won $40 before the night was over.  Jerk.

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